Today is the 22nd June 2009 . Found that i'm having lotsa photographs in my phone waiting to be uploaded and blogged about so i thought i'd better get it done before it's gone for too long .

Okay, first up . This isn't from my phone, this is a picture i got from FaceBook . Her FaceBook nickname is 'Elv Fulymonster Evon' and she has been trying to add me as her friend for more than 5 times . I don't know who she is, neither did she tried to tell me, all i know is she is getting irritating . First time ever that someone tried to add me for more than 5 times, if no one knows her, i'm gonna block her on her next attempt . Sorry, but i only approve of people i know .

So i was home on the 19th June, hoping that i'll know where to go myself because i wasn't too pleasant to be at home counting down to my birthday, but i have to say in the end i stayed home . Kinda sad, but to the least i have the internet to kill the time . Just when i was surfing the net, my sister broke my brother's table because she was . . . *cough* too heavy . LOL . The wooden table is an extra piece of wood attached to the main table via 2 metal hinge AND 2 metal rods for support . She was leaning on the extra table almost entirely that she broke the wooden edge and the whole piece of wood crashed on the floor .

Now do you see the 2 metal rod that is supposedly there for support to the table ?

From my view, it's clearer than ever . LOL .

Well, anyway, my superb Dad got the table fixed back . Luckily, or else my brother's gonna study on the floor . Maybe, haha .

More coming up, photographs of Ethan when he came to out house . I only took a few because my camera is very slow . So yeah, here's when he's taking a shower in a pail and playing with water .

And he knows how to run already . Fyi, he just had his one year old celebration this June too . Too bad i can't have mine . But i got lotsa happy birthday wishings from my friends and families . I wanna thank all these people for making my day . Especially Khng, Shirley and Nathan . They specially did videos on MSN so funny i burst out laughing . They were doing crazy stuffs just for me and despite other people laughing they still went on . Yeah, so thank you guys so much . =) . Presents this year ? Well, i must say although the presents are very little or too few, this is my first year receiving bouquets of flowers . Jason Huang sent me my first present this year via internet order of blue roses because he's in China working for a month . So i wanna thank him for the first present at 11.33pm that night and being the first man to give me flowers in a bouquet . So, thank you, Jason Huang .

So then i thought my dear is at rehearsal at Marina platform till late and i wouldn't expect anything from him, but a text message came saying he has to go back to his camp for urgent issues to settle sent my mood down even further . Yeah, he did went back to camp, but he came home with a bouquet of red roses, kept in his bag . And he only gave it to be when he was in my room, with a necklace . End of presents . Oh, and thank you, my dear . =)

I love the roses, but when it comes to putting in a vase, i'm beginning to hate roses . Because they have thorns so sharp i thought i rather have no flowers than to roses . But anyway, they're all in vases .

And guess what, i've got my passport renewed . Together with dear's because he's old passport is gonna expired within 6 months and he can't enter Malaysia, so we've decided to get new ones . It costed me $70 . Here's my brand new passport .

So just in case you haven't seen my old passport's photo, here's it . Looked very noob, and everytime i went through customs, i always always took longer time than others because the me now looked so different !

Worse is the other photo had a Vanda Miss Joaquim on one corner of my head and i looked as if i'm from Hawaii .

My first stamp, first oversea trip, to China . I haven't went Sentosa, so don't talk about Malaysia then .

And stamps from Hong Kong with my beloved . =)

The rest is from Malaysia which i thought many of you guys have already seen . And here's my new photo in my new passport . =D . Much better isn't it ?

Here's my beloved old passport photo . Heehee .

To Hong Kong not with me .

China .

Australia, i think he went Brisbane . Yeah, almost all trips were for career purposes .

And the current photo . *cough cough* Handsome guy .

Sigh, yeah and this is it . Exams are coming up next week, so i better get my ass off for revision . Good luck to all people having exams, and yeah, hope it ends soon .

I kept on thinking i'll be fine when you leave me for Brunei for a year . However, i can't help but grit my teeth so hard that so i wouldn't tear whenever it is . I think of it almost everyday, almost anywhere when i'm alone . I wonder, during that one year, who do i go to when i'm sad, who do i hug to sleep, who would kiss me on the forehead and say goodnight, who's gonna hold my hands when im cold, who would kiss my hand and what do i do when i really miss you ? My instinct tells i'll fall . May this test of relationship makes us stronger, proves everyone we're true .

Because my instinct also says i'll cry everyday .

Today is the 19th June 2009 . My last day being 18 years old . Honestly i feel like dying, so i could stop my age growth and be 18 forever, but apparently i can't, because in reality, it's considered a stupid act .

I thought i could spend this last day with some one special, you know, and count down to being 19 years old . But then again, career is more important . I know .

Whatever, being unable to celebrate my birthday because of some religious belief is bad enough i thought, so things got worse . Maybe i shouldn't even be looking forward to birthdays anymore, as i always have been .

Maybe i'm childish in people's eyes, so be it .

He's right, when you realize your love life is hanging by thread, it's time for a promotion, then should you realize life don't go up always, there are, too, downs .

Fuck 19th birthday . I rather be alone .

Today is the 15th June 2009 . Another day another week another one year older for me in what ? 5 days . Sigh, one year older . I think 18 years old is the best age in your life, because you don't have your full freedom that's why it's only thrilling when you dare yourself to do the things you aren't allowed . And parents always think kids are still young and they still care . So, you got your families' care, partial freedom, and you can enter clubs, drink smoke, almost like an adult . But not one yet .

Anyway, my parents had a meet up with dear's parents last saturday night for a little chat . So, i went to clean my nails from the previous weird ugly blue nails and wanted to paint something light and i saw my right pinkie nail had a crack after months of growing it . It was longer than 1cm already and it broke . Hmm, try harder next time .

We went down to kopitiam for dinner and boy, the place is so filty . Cigarette butts everywhere and half the floor is wet with unclean water . Try walking around in slippers and your slippers will slap up the water to your legs . Argh, i'm never going out there to eat unless i really have to . Oh and a huge fly with body of at least 1cm big fly aimlessly and smack on my face at the left cheek, then fell onto my lap . Zzz, lucky i was quick enough to push it to the floor before it flies off again .

After the dinner, i went to meet Nathan, Seto and gang for a night club at Rebel . Went in from Zirca and was as usual, shivering like mad . Two drink coupon at the bar with lotsa people cut queueing, and i couldn't get martell green tea with 2 coupons, only whisky which was totally not my kind of drink . So i drank 2 sips and put it back at the bar . Then head to Rebel with them . SQUEEZING TIME ! So many people but we managed to squeeze into the dance floor cage close to the DJ . But something was missing for me . . . highness ! 2 sips of whisky is not enough to get me high, so i danced for a while, sweat in the club for the first time, then we went out to Lunar for another drink . I got vodka and martell, Nathan and the rest got tequila pop and vodka .

Head back to Zirca for a while, then Rebel . Was dancing and i accidentally hooked up 2 glues . Not real glues, i meant men who sticks around like a sore thumb . One was trying to touch me and hold my waist, so i kept on moving around and solved that problem . And because Nathan and gang was just beside me like North, South, East and West, the other glue tried to cut in between and dance with me . LOL . So i was watching and pull whoever is closer to me to block him away . Haha ! Sorry, i don't dance with people who is shorter than me, and wear spectacles to club . =) . Try harder next time . So, the two glues was sticking and sticking until around 4am plus, we decided to go because Nathan and the rest was tired of dancing . Bones aching for the 2 hours of dance, i got it too, but used to it long ago . Then it was bye bye clubbing, and hello prata, then home to sleep of course .

Hmm, when's the next time again . I wonder . Blog again soon . Au voir .

Today is the 12th June 2009 . Been at home doing nothing but starring at the computer screen .

Boring ~

Why can't you see who's worth your time and effort ? Why are you always giving in at the very end ?

In this way i realize you're not very fierce, you're just being forceful at times . You're like the dragon with a big big fire blow, but too sad to know your fire don't last long .

I thought your leg is already stepping on your own pride .

You remind me of the you when you were dating Mark, blinded by love . No common sense, no decision you made was sensual .

You kinda made me despise you .

People around you are giving up on you .

Today is the 10th June 2009 . 10 more days to turning 19 years old, should i be happy about it ? Maybe i should, because it's my birthday, but i can't celebrate it, religious purpose . Sounds a bit crappy, but i'm considered superstitious after all .

Anyway, i grew sick of looking myself in the mirror finding black hair roots on my head so i decided to dye my hair again . I really love my brown hair, but i've dyed the roots brown so many times i'm kinda irritated by it already, so i turn back to dark colour .

This is before, with the black roots still on . . . my head .

And this is after i dyed my hair . I used 2 boxes of Loreal Feria 3D - Deep Current colour . And of course the labor is done by my Mom, because she always is so professional about it . Haha .

Well, i guess i might not need any hair dye anymore unless something struck me to dye brown again . I don't hope that happens, because it wastes my money .

I'm very bored at home these days because the school is having 3 week break and my dear is always on NDP rehearsals, so i decided to take a photo of his rehearsal uniform . Trust me, it looks nice but accessories have to be aligned so perfectly i find them so tedious .

Bla bla bla, and so my Mom came in to help him with the perfect alignment . He look smart with burmudas . =) . LOL .

And some photos taken when we were about to turn in last night . Just bored .

Oh, so emotional . =( . Haha .

And me trying to avoid the flash . =) .

Hurtful, but in any other way this is better than letting it go 5 years down the road . He's not the one, so let go and hope for a better man .

Today is the 8th June 2009 . Well, if you're in my list of contacts on MSN, you definitely should read my nick . And that's exactly what i am gonna talk about right here right now .

I may not have to right to reprimand you, i also might not have to authority to do so, but whatever it is i am doing i do not give a damn shit about you because this involve my blood sister, about something very bad it seems .

My target is clear and it's clear as crystal, if i ever hurt your feelings after you read this, this is because you deserve it . Oh and trust me, you totally deserve it .

Ever wonder why men are always perceived to be stonger than women ? That's because men has more capabilities than women in terms of strength, and in general, they are more readily focus on issues presented to them . This reason why men should pay for bills, pay for these and that when a date is on because they are judged to be of a higher status than women . If you ever notice since you first watched romance show, jerk .

Hence, men should never ever even try to ask OR think about getting money from a girl, E-S-P-E-C-I-A-L-L-Y after the relationship is broken . This clearly goes to show that which ever this man is, indeed is very not gentleman, no balls, which literally means no penis, and means you're not fit to be a man at all . You should go get your penis removed .

YOU ARE SHAMELESS, more than TWO YEARS of relationship, time and effort wasted on you, and your reaction have shown to treat it like nothing happened ? Two words - total failure . People don't need to say, all they need is what they see . Boy oh boy, now that you don't have a 'girlfriend' to be with, you can go back to what you used to do, always is doing, and i doubt things will change - go now, go back to mommy . But hey, you're 22 years old this year right ? Yeah, one year older than my sister . . . yeah, i should be right . Okay, hush, go back to mommy .

Maybe you shouldn't get a girlfriend, you should just date your mother, wait till your dad is at work then fuck her . Then you won't have a problem dealing with your mom who always call you on the phone as and when she likes asking some stupid questions interrupting dates, you ever know that ?

I won't attack you when i see you, because that's gonna leave a bad impression about me . All i'm saying here is exactly what i think . Oh, maybe i missed out one thing - if law allows females to revenge on males, I WILL BE THE FIRST TO KICK YOUR PENIS . Oh and i make 100% sure you next father's day is in hell, when you have a fake one and it still works in your dreams .

Yeah . So fuck off to your mother, mommy's boy .

Bye and never see you again .

Today is the 5th June 2009 .

Wentta the gym today with Nathan, Shirley and Khng at Martin's condominium. Walked 1.71km at 6km/hr non-stop . This is the first time ever i exercise on my own accounts after i graduated from secondary school . One sentence to describe : -

My bones are cracking . Yeah .

Congratulations Chantel, you burnt over 30 calories and gained them back right after . Haha, after i exercised for around 2 hours . We went back to Martin's place and cooked . They had tom yam soup, but i thought since i don't eat hot stuffs, i had eggs . I cooked scambled eggs, but the destroying factor was my scambled eggs was cooked outta 10 eggs and 5 slices of cheese . And i had them all to myself, bon appetite, some went to the rest because their forks came into my plate occasionally when i was eating . Haha . Yeah, i had 10 eggs at one shot .

Let me rest, blog again soon .

Bon nuitt .

Today is the 30th May 2009 . First of all, i wanna wish my sister a very happy birthday . I know this is very lame, no presents or whatsoever for you, but i really do wish you a happy birthday . You're the best sister . =) . ( Closest too . )

Well, i'm thankful for people who care for me and tagged my blog, so . . . thank you all . 

One more week and the 3 weeks break is coming up, i do hope the swine flu is not gonna destroy any plans or stop any school . 

Another boring day, but i watched 2 movies online to spend the day alone . I don't blame my love, because it's not his fault that he had to go for the NDP rehearsal . So i guess for the next two and a half months i gotta spend my saturdays alone . 

Anyone wanna help me spend my saturdays by accompanying me to Starbucks at One Fullerton for a coffee on Saturdays afternoon ? =)

Au voir . Bon nuitt . 

Today is the 28th May 2009 . Went to school as usual and all the lecturers were talking about if the school closes due to the H1N1 virus we'd get e-learning instead . 

I really don't want anything like that, first e-learning sucks, second, if the closure is long, our 3 week break is burnt, which means to say the school will want us back during the supposed holidays . That sucks even more . But whatever it is, i don't think i have any control or right to say anything . 

Had my results back . 

Happy now ? 

I really don't know how much longer i can or could endure on . . . Many times i really feel like crying, so much so i told myself there's no reason for me to be that weak, i'm strong, always stronger than others, and that always made the tears stop flowing somehow or another . In every way, i'm better than others, i don't have what some people have, but that doesn't mean they have what i have either . Richer, so what, being poor bonds family together . Attached, so what, i am too . Single, so what, you still need time to find your life partner when i already found mine . 

There, another bunch of words i had to lie to myself . 

Yeah, i'm hopeless . So just leave me and forget me . 

Today is the 28th May 2009 . Don't really know why, but i'm feelin really tired this week, skipped 3 tutorials and 2 lectures this week . Some how, it's not mentally tired, but physically tired, and i don't recall doing anything tiring . 

Don't really know if i look forward to the 3 weeks break coming up either . 

Argh . I need a job, but at the same time i can't have a job . Because i just knew if i get a job i wouldn't get my studies in place . There goes my license again ? 

Back to square didn't i ?

I'll never get what i want - fact . 

Bye . 

Today is the 19th May 2009 . 

No idea why . . . but my mood swings drastically these few days . I don't take jokes anymore . I don't take crappy stuffs and i can't really tolerate things i don't like . I'm starting to prefer days on my own, doing things alone, and even going out with no one . The urge to smoke came back, a stronger one, and everytime i by pass the smoking area it makes me wanna head to 7-11 for a pack of cigarettes . Weekends seem worse than ever, the strong craving to club but i can't . 

Nothing else i can do, nothing else interest me, nothing else makes me feel happy . Perhaps i'm ready to die, got myself prepared for it . Life has no meaning to me . 

For a moment i felt like rushing towards the wall and hit my head real hard, get a memory loss or better, just die . 

My only goal now is to complete my diploma, even if i get D- for all modules . Because that's the last promise i'm gonna give perhaps in this life, and i gave it to my dad for a mistake i made . Once the goal is reached, i can tell god i'm all ready to go to hell . 

Trust me, i can predict that for the next 3 months my smiles and laughters is a fake, so just bear with the fakes . 

To that love :

Don't keep asking me what's troubling me, if i wanna make it known, it will be here, typed, if not, i wouldn't show a slightest problem what happen . 

Loves,

Chantel

Second post for the day because i'm more lethargic than ever . 

Is curled hair nicer or straight hair better ?

VS

So ? Please comment . =)

To my love, i shall leave a part what my daily blogging has to say and specially dedicate what i have to say for you, for this is what i pen down some nights before i drift off to sleep :

14th May 2009

You're on duty today and i can't sleep . . . as i lay on my bed, listening to the slow love songs play . . i think of you . Are you sneezing ? Because i miss you so much . I held back myself to text you i miss you because i knew you had a tired day and is fast asleep, don't want your phone ringings to disturb your rest or even wake you up. I have fell for you my dear boy . And i'm lucky to have given us a chance . Always loving . 

15th May 2009

I feel very down today . . whatever smiles i had i must say its a fake . I don't know why wouldn't i tell you i'm not happy, but the fact is why do i keep on using the same solution when i think of this issue inside me . Perhaps clubbing is indeed more important than you to me . Not sure why, maybe that's the only way out to breathe in this busy schedule for me . I . . . am crying . 

Today is the 16th May 2009 . I can't help but feel very sick of everything . So sick i told myself to turn in at 10pm last night and stop thinking about clubbing . 

School politics have become more serious than ever, free riders increasing, slackers and whatever shit that people try to do to make things seem done but actually, it's not even progressing at all . Okay, let's see how bad my school is : 

1. Global Business Environment :
- Tutor has the 'i don't give a damn shit about you as long as i get my own job done okay' attitude

- My project group has 3 other indians and 2 other chinese . One chinese is always absent, where the other is from China - blur in my opinion . Two indians are not at good terms and i can see all these indians are not even giving a slightest damn about coming Monday's presentation . Oh, and i suppose one of those indian will tell me she's not feeling well and not come to present like the previous time 

2. Taxation :

- Lecturer which is my tutor is gonna get transfer to another teaching institution in 2 weeks time, which means, things will change 

- Project due soon

3. Company Law :

- Just handed in project yesterday with the corporation china students and luckily, there's one singaporean working with me

- Tutor is brainless because she thinks that us complaining a free rider to her is a nonsense and she SAID it was childish 

4. Corporate Finance : 

- Everything still fine, project due soon . 

5. Cost Accounting :

- Couldn't get along with the class that i joined, sitting around girls who don't wanna talk to me

- CA coming up this Friday

6. Auditing ( Project based module ) :

- Had CA yesterday and it was bad

- Had troubles with grouping because of free rider and this one girl that everyone in the class don't really like her, and she's sticking with us eveywhere we go

7. Financial Accounting :

- Changed lecturer and tutor

- CA coming up soon

- Couldn't get along with class

To all free riders, people who try to show that they're working but they're not, the company law tutor and all the people who is sticking to us when you don't like you : 

Use your brains, open your eyes, and keep your mouths shut even if you wanna do the explaination . PLEASE take notice that people don't like you and please THINK if you have the smallest bird ass brain in that skull . If you think that people are claiming credits when you work your ass off is CHILDISH, then perhaps i can easily conclude why you're a company law lecturer and not working in the law industry earning big bucks . =) . Basically you don't know what is justice to begin with, haha . Here, allow me to explain justice to you . 

Justice is

Fairness

Dumb-ass . Go fuck the corpse and see maggots crawling on you . 

Today is the 13th May 2009 . Had quite an unpleasant day today . Haven't clubbed for weeks and it's breaking me down . Somehow or another, clubbing seems more than anything else to perk me up and bring me back together, it's like my motivation, my confidence, the only reason why i live with fun . I'm officially craving to club, cashless to club, crying to club . But i'm holding myself back, i'm biting my teeth tight, so tight i felt that at any point of time i can just stop doing all my tutorials at night and head to a club to free myself . 

Projects are starting to roll in and due dates are all the same, i'm not surprise that tests pop out and sticks on nicely on the project due date itself . Even though i didn't say it out, but it's saddening to know that my name is no longer on the DAC/04 list . Well, even if it is, my photo isn't there, so . . . i'm removed from the class . Projects and assignments now are with different people, and it is this part that make things sick and irritating . I don't wish to say it here, but my efforts to complete the projects seem to flow down the drain . I do because it have to do, i listen because i need to, and i talk to those people because it's part of the requirement to discuss . 

My life - messy, crushed, held back . 

The only moment i look forward to is us being together . 

I don't care who reads my blog, be it a total stranger, a friend or perhaps someone i don't like, i still wanna be frank whenever i blog . 

When things don't turn out pleasant, i always tell myself, there're worse days i've had . But when things don't turn out right for you, i get very worried . Like when you seem so sick of work today more than usual, when you laid on my bed flipping right and left not resting, when i sense you're not really happy, there's this sudden urge to cry, because i felt hopeless and helpless that i can't make you any happier, that i can do nothing because this is your career and i have no right or way to make things better . Sometimes i sit around thinking about you and us, sometimes in long train rides and can't help but think i'm always better than other girls, because i have you i guess ? -laughs- I just know i'm better off for no reason, or for a reason which may perhaps says you're lousier than another guy but i don't care . I don't remove the ring on my finger unless i have a good reason, and i touch it with my thumb whenever i think about you . You have officially entered my life, if you still remember what it means when i told you about my uncle's death . Affectable, influencable and anything that may cause huge emotional wave to me . 

All for these emotional post, i hope for nothing more than everything being right and in place . 

With lotsa love,

Chantel

Today is the 5th May 2009 . 

I'm a bit worried about my cho dear dear . Get well real soon, =/ . 

Just as any normal school day today, except when i woke up just on my way for a shower, i saw Er Jie still in bed . She overslept . Well well, then i got curious why my parents' room's door was shut, because usually when my Dad goes to work at 7.30am, my Mom goes back to sleep with the door wide open . After that i got to know Dad complained too tired so he didn't work either . Same genes . 

Went to school for costing tutorial and company law lecture, then came home . 

Not sure where i got this crazy idea from, but i went to wet my hair, and asked my sis to tie braid for me, then blew it dry . And it curls ! But not for long . So i'm trying it now, gonna get it tied till tomorrow morning and see how it goes . 

While i went home for the 3 hours break in between, the clique saw Cheryl in school ! Yeah, she quit school, then came back again . They're so happy to see her ! ! =) . For me, i'm happy to know that she's back . =) . Honestly, the same old group of people still rock my school life . 

For now, all those who're sick and un-well . Wish you people a quick recovery . 

Blog again soon, au voir !

Today is the 4th May 2009 . Another day, another week, another lonely time myself . I never thought Mondays could be this blue until i got this bloody shit timetable . All because i didn't study enough . Like i said, i never regret failing those modules, because i've been through times that made me learnt and those days that i really had fun and felt the happiest girl in the world . Apparently, i'm not going to have those moments again . . . no, at least not something within my expectation of life anymore . 

Really wanna club and drink badly, but i've been really broke these few days . Man, i'm looking forward to ladies night now . I miss the music and basses pouring loud on my face, i miss the gush of alcohol down my throat, i miss the red faced me, and i definitely miss the feeling of getting high dancing . Clubbing really rocked my world . 

Started my first practical lesson again with a new instructor, this time it's at Yio Chu Kang, under CDC . The instructor was really nice and i drove a lancer sports GT . Not even a time that i store the car ! Well, i really wish everything goes well this time . 

Work hard, Chantel ! Fight for what you like, then go for what you want . 

Today is the 1st May 2009 . Oh look, the year is almost half passed and we've been together for 10 months . 

I really hope everything is the best for us . 

My recent post might be a little short, that's because i'm so speechless . And i don't know why . 

First week of school really kinda sucks . Lotsa things i hadda do alone, and people tends to treat me like a dangerous stranger . 

Driving this sunday, and i'm soon cashless again . What's wrong with me ?

Does this gives a better reason so that i can club ?

Hmmm, i'm sorry i got angry at you . You still give the best hugs and kisses . I miss you .